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Tom Scharpling Live-Tweets Gov. Chris Christie Choking On A Scone At Starbucks

On President’s Day 2012, WFMU host Tom Scharpling tweeted a long recap of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie choking on scones, ordering a large amount of drinks, dissing The Decemberists, and calling his assistant repeatedly from the bathroom. None of this is news, and none of this is likely to hurt Christie in his eventual re-election bid. There are likely not many Decemberists fans in Jersey.

If this story was a courtroom, Comedian/Radio Host/Sulk Tom Scharpling’s tweets would probably not be allowed in as evidence. Who is to prove this man’s digital words ring true? He is a hostile witness to be sure. But let’s give the man a benefit of a doubt. Or at least check the receipts of the Starbucks he was at; if there are several “green drinks without whipped cream” charged, then the case is closed.

Regardless of your feelings on Gov. Christie, savor this slice of life of a public official. On a day we recognize our founding fathers for fighting the British or something, one of our public servants came down from his ivory tower and dined with us. To have a record of the occasion is cause alone for celebration.

After the jump, the entire story organized for your enjoyment. It contains gems like this:

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The Real Horror of “The Butterfly Effect”

Credit goes to The Butterfly Effect for existing and Ashton Kutcher for inventing Twitter.

You’re Doing It Wrong/Right: The Worst Kind of Popular Twitter Feeds

Let’s get one thing clear up front; I would be overjoyed at knowing hundreds of thousands of people listen to my Twitter  updates, my quirky remarks, my photos of what we’re eating. It would fill me with so much self-esteem I’d probably start hitting on girls at bars without alcohol in me. So know that I acknowledge my jealousy of any accounts with more followers than me (I have 200 followers. So this is most of them).

Chronicled on the tear-stained screen below are some of the main account types that flood Twitter and make me wonder if I wasted thirty minutes of my life crafting gems like this:

I spent 20 minutes on that. Let’s continue.

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Charlie Sheen memes are dead

Until Charlie Sheen invents a new way to freak out (and sex dungeon/cult is not enough), we’re done with Charlie Sheen references. We (the internet meme elite, who are already past whatever is big on The Daily What today) are mostly done with Sheen. Yes, tiger blood. Yes, F-18. The man is obviously an animal and a self-destructive force. Let’s stop encouraging him.

This is when you know a meme’s dead. When a corporation latches onto the joke, not completely aware of how it works. You know when your dad sits down next to you and tries to learn what videogames are? No? It didn’t happen to me either, but let’s say he did. Suddenly an adult liking that thing is going to make it less cool. So thanks McDonald’s, for taking the hit.

How To Be One Less Lonely Girl

Justin Bieber once said, “I don’t need too much, just somebody to love”.  Here are some tips to help you become that somebody.

1. Be a girl

WHY: Justin has made it clear that he is really, really into girls. When I say “girl” I mean a girl, not a woman, though he may disagree. You might have gone through puberty but this kid is in the middle of it so I’m pretty sure it’s illegal if not extremely creepy to think about him in that way you may be doing if you are 18+. Read the rest of this entry

I, Tweeter.

I have a Twitter account.

This is it if you want to follow me. I promise you that it’s separate from all my other social networking paraphernalia, and I don’t post the same thing on all of them.
Anyway, I have a Twitter account, and I’m not sure why. I’m also not confident I can stop If I’d want to, which I don’t. I love Twitter. It’s the dumbest, most useless thing, ever, except you know during the Iranian election, but otherwise, it’s like candy.

It’s fun. It’s quick. Yet, ultimately, it has no substance, no real nutrition, and in the end you’re no better off, in fact you may be worse because now you’re full of either corn syrup or useless information about what people are doing.

I initially got it before I drove my car back to California because as many of you know, I talk a lot. I just do not shut the fuck up, but being alone was going to be a problem, because I’d just end up talking to myself, and frankly, I don’t need help looking like a crazy person.

Fail Whale!

So I got Twitter just to have somewhere to send all my random thoughts, dumb observations, and terrible, terrible, jokes during the two day drive. It eventually became an indispensable part of my life, some days more than others. I tend to tweet more when I’ve been drinking, but thank God we can delete specific tweets, right?

Some days I tweet what I’m seeing, other days jokes, or simply random thoughts, but by and large it acts as a way to text message your entire group of friends. I’ve had people respond to tweets I’ve made before text messages and phone calls. I want to become a famous writer and comedian for a lot of reasons (comedians get laid a lot, right?) but one is to amass a large group of followers who will answer questions for me.

We live in an age where the internet is in your pocket, Google and Wikipedia have become shorthand for places to find knowledge, and yet, famous people ask questions on Twitter all the time because it’s probably quicker than looking that shit up yourself.

I’ll go one further and truly integrate it into my life:

My promise to anyone reading this, if I clear 250 legit followers, no bots or company accounts, I will spend one day a month letting Twitter vote on all decisions I make. Where to eat, what route to take, what to buy at the store, what movie to see, what line to use at the bar on a woman, the whole damn day I will yield to democracy.

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Louis C.K. is King of Twitter

Most celebrities use Twitter to rant or promote upcoming projects. Comedy Lord Louis C.K. does this sometimes, but he also uses it to get super drunk and tweet his stream of consciousness.

The following tweets inspired me during my work yesterday to become a better man [Posted from last to first, as this is how Twitter commands it]: Read the rest of this entry