Blog Archives

Rapture

So this is the last post on Nonstop Karate.

I feel strange being the one writing it.  I’ve only been contributing to the blog for a short while, and it would seem more fitting for Matt or Chad to pen the closing chapter.  Still, if the world has got to end, it might as well end in Action Movie May, right? Read the rest of this entry

Blood Prom at Zombie Gulch

LOS ANGELES – Near the Corner of Hollywood and Highland

Hell. Also, there are zombies here now, too.

Moaning, it’s entire being ignited with hunger, the zombie lurched forward. Covered in the tattered rags of couture fashion, any semblance of higher function or affinity for clothing were gone. It’s goal hissed between broken teeth and chewed off lips, “braaaaaiiiiinnnssss.” The chilling call was echoed in the still night air. Read the rest of this entry

The Only Way to Survive the Zombies is Constant Murder

Why aren’t the inhabitants of the post-civilization zombie apocalypse constantly killing zombies?

There’s a myriad of reasons you should be constantly murdering zombies if you find yourself in the post-societal world.

Seriously, they’re trying to kill you, why aren’t you hunting them?

The machete really classes the whole thing up.

If I lived in a jungle, and a fucking tiger kept trying to kill me, I’d try to kill it. Now I wouldn’t go after it openly, just like I wouldn’t go after the entirety of the zombie species openly. I’d do all the things the tiger couldn’t do: set traps, use fire, set traps the cause the tiger to catch fire, etc.
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The hunt for the next big horror monster

Considering Matt just posted about the excellence of The Walking Dead yesterday, I understand that the world still loves zombies. The world sees a dumb person torn apart by the ravenous undead and they cheer.

But I ask, when will zombies’ reign end? I feel burned out myself and can’t wait to see the next trend. Vampires, you’ve had this coming for a while now as well. What would be the best thing for storytellers, audiences and scared little kids is a new horror staple, an invention of a new monster that can enter into the stable of recurring abominations. Read the rest of this entry

I Learned Something About Myself While Watching the Walking Dead

Again, to reiterate from an earlier post, I don’t do scary. I’m a jumper with an overactive imagination.

So it was with great trepidation and more than a few ‘fuck you’s under my breath directed at my roommate who insisted we watch the premiere of the Walking Dead.

During the show, I realized something, I would probably do all right in a post-apocalyptic society.
I have a strong back. I’m not afraid of hard work. Thanks to my grandfather I can fire a gun, build a fence, a wall, or a roof, some mild electrical work, and possess a working knowledge of basic plumbing.

This however, presents a problem, as I’m just as certain that I would die during the actual apocalypse.

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How to Survive Anything: Chapter 1: the First Chapter

Everyone has a zombie escape plan. After discussing it with various people, I’ve found that some of these are really intricate, but really what it boils down to is this:

–  Be Faster than a Zombie.
–  Don’t Get Boxed in.
–  Don’t Run Out of Bullets.
–  Have Something Sharp for When You Inevitably Run Out of Bullets.

Now there will be some differing details when you get down to it: what routes to take, what kind of car/do you bother with a car, what’s the best melee weapon for dispatching the undead, who will kill you when you get your ass bit, etc?


Something snarky about how I wouldn’t be caught dead at the mall, anyway.

However, those are the basics.

What troubles me is that I seem to be the only one who has plan for nearly every sort of contingency.

Well, me and Batman.

And Black Panther.

And Reed Richards.

And Dr. Doom.

But that’s it.

Oh, yeah, and Cyclops.

Anyway, folks, zombies are really the least of our worries in terms of a breakdown of society.  Shamlbing rotting flesh isn’t a problem unless the zombie plague wipes flies, fungus, crows, and everything else that eats necrotic flesh.


Zombie virus trumps healing factor? Bullshit. Also, the Thing is a rock monster. What’d they bite?

You want to know what is real, though?

Ninjas.

Robots.

Cloning Technology.

Pirates.

You best believe shit just got real. What follows are some basic ideas and strategies for when the inevitable happens. And it will happen.
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